This whole thought process just came through me as I was stretching my body for 2 hours after I received an email that made me feel some ' toxic' turbulence*.
*Turbulence = in fluid dynamics, turbulence or turbulent flow is a flow regime characterized by chaotic property changes. This includes low momentum diffusion, high momentum convection, and rapid variation of pressure and flow velocity in space and time.
I find that living off the grid in the middle of the Jungle really has a vast amount of advantages. One of these advantages is that, in my experience, I don’t feel much 'toxic' turbulence.
Yes, weirdly enough, I feel blissed out on a very regular basis and I am surrounded by a great balanced ecosystem that simply and gracefully reflects into my own state of being.
With that in consideration, and this dark turbulence in my flow, I found myself at the Yoga Shala pondering upon what was really happening. Time is quite non linear here… I don’t have to do anything at any specific time… which opens up the freedom of embodying my needs right at the moment when they are happening… it’s still something very new and transformational to be feeling this privilege of time. Allowance and freedom of time for ourselves is not really possible in our modern day society … "I’m just too busy to do that " is the most common approach to deep self analysis.
Anyways, I’m at the Shala. Stretching, digging and observing the patterns.
The message causing my turbulence came from my lover.
New Lover… things are fresh and exquisite. The first tastings of each other’s sweetness… It’s wonderful.
The message, not so much.
He is travelling and kindly informed me that he will be spending the next week with his other lover.
Awe… that’s so nice.
Alright, lets jump into the topic of what this articles is really about.
Polyamory. Open relationships. The sweet art of open love.
I am aware there are a lot of layers and interpretations but lets keep it simple, you know what I’m talking about.
Poly = several , Amory (Amor) = Love/Lover
I want to share something I found on the internet a while ago.
“Polyamory is about unflinching honesty about desires as well as clear communication of our needs. Emotions and desires can be like never ending and undulating waves, often ebbing and flowing in life. To learn from ones past is to embrace and work towards full acceptance. If you can truly see your lover as yourself (inlakesh) than you will never anguish at their sharing time with someone other than yourself.”
I Agree, and in this blog I want to point out the dark side of things… The truth is, it ain’t all pretty.
Ok, lets just start with saying something we should all be aware of by now.
One simple fact that comes with being human: we suffer.
That is an undeniable fact of existence from which we cannot escape… not until we transcend our own physical body.
Personally, I accept this.
If you don’t, well, please come over and teach me how wonderfully peculiar it would be to not feel any suffering, ever.
Anyways, with that said, If you ever PASSIONATELY love somebody, well, it’s a unique quasi-sickening feeling of ecstasy. An exhilarating state of being caused by perfect union… words about love can be quite irrelevant, if you felt it, you know.
In the moment the person we love tells us “im going to be with my other lover” instantaneously our mind jumps to a reaction caused by the information that just entered our awareness. Our exteroceptors pick up the information and our interoceptors merge it into our being for interpretation sparking a reaction from whichever state of consciousness we are in at that moment.
Now, wholisticly, there is a massive amount of mind/feeling reaction possibilities that can be caused from any information, especially from very intimate information like your lover being with someone also… but to continue to keep things simple and flowing, lets take in consideration the three most ‘’‘common’’’ ones.
(I double bracketed ‘common’ because, realistically, the most common thought/feeling reaction to such information in our current monolithic society would be a huge amount of hatrage and discomforting thoughts rippling out into a feeling of anger and pain which , most frequently, is held on to in fear of letting it go, causing possessiveness, whilst pushing against any possibility of acceptance)
So, the following analysis counts for individuals who are considering and/or currently tasting a post-conventional approach to relationships through polyamory.
Alright, with that said, lets go on and look at these ‘new age’ approaches towards the fact of sharing lovers.
Possibility # 1
You read the message and your immediate thought reaction is “ That’s cool… “
You feel indifferent, no ups, no downs. Move on to the next thing, and that’s that.
This option just doesn’t happen to me. Relevant Information about something very close to my heart tends to move my mind and thoughts, and stimulates blood circulation so , personally, I cannot be indifferent to something I am involved with emotionally. If this is your instant reaction I would only make sure is not cause by numbness.
Possibility # 2
Love and compassion.
You read the message and your immediate thought reaction is “Oh, wow, that is so completely wonderfully joyous. What a blessing ." The message about your lover sharing their beauty and sweetness with someone also completely it lights up your heart, and you continue on with your day with a truly (and this is the key word) Authentic feeling of love and gratitude. Not even a split ounce of “UH..ouch!... this is all part of the practice.. it’s all good”
Ok, if you are truly over that split second of thought that re-assures your practice…. Wow, my compliments to you. You must be a beautifully balanced enlightened individual on the verge of transcendence. If this is your instant reaction, make sure it is coming from the heart center and not from the narcissist side of it.
Possibility # 3
You read the message and your immediate thought reaction is: “AAhh.. ouch, Ok. That hurts a bit. Ok, this is my conscious choice. Our conscious choice. This pain is part of it… but aarrggh ” and as the chain reaction of toxic thoughts start travelling through the brain, the untamed fluctuation of the mind visualizes the two of them together, and usually, in bed.
You try to move on to the next thing, but your mind is now on this journey.
This option, as you can guess, is what happens to me and to all those ‘poor’ beings that still accept the fact of those ‘split seconds’ of being completely human.
So here I am, not willing to just brush it away in denial and in acceptance to bathe in this suffering to understand the lesson.
I have now been in a cross-legged childpose with my forehead on the ground for about half an hour. Only the sounds of the birds in the jungle... the creeks' never ending flow just down the hill from the Shala… huge palm leaves swaying in the wind…. Everything is in such a state of bliss… and here is this human, with her human mind; thinking.
Always thinking… but the jungle calls me to her attention.
I sink even deeper into the floor and sink in with the bliss of what surrounds me… complete peace, only existence… I breathe in , slowly exhale, release a bit more… I find emptiness.
All of a sudden I hear “This whole poly thing is quite hard”… fuck, my mind is back… and yes, it’s hard.
It is hard be completely open, share desires, share passion… It is not a sweet walk in a pristine city park.
True nature is wild, tamed and pristine parks don’t really exist… they are all part of the illusionary reality we created in fear to face what’s real.
I choose to stay in the true wild poly-reality because it makes me suffer.
Hmm, what a thought… I switch legs… breath in, breath out.
I choose to stay in this situation because it causes me sufferance…. A place of non-comfort… wow… am I slowly getting somewhere? What is the information of that message truly teaching me?
Ahh… my body is going deeper and my mind follows.
I accept. I choose to stay with it. I watch the patters, I find my self inside my brain doing a sector analysis of this new territory I'm in.
So, if choosing one partner and trying to keep things in order is like taming and maintaining a sweet pristine city park, then wouldn’t a truly free open relationship be like the jungle?
There is no order in the jungle; it's total chaos yet all needs are perfectly met to create a never-ending balanced cycle. She sits through massive tropical storms, allows a complete re-arrangement to come into place. After the storm, regeneration.
More life… and the thriving continue. Here I am, immersed in this beautiful and powerful manifestation of biodiversity… yet it wouldn’t be possible without the storms, without the chaos, the darkness, without death.
To consciously be willing to be a thriving and balanced polycultural environment, are we also consciously choosing the death that comes with it? Is there a need to tame the wild in a monogamous relationship by trying to 'keep things under control' whilst being in an unconscious 'state of numbness’? Aren't we trying to go pass that wall of denial and embrace the fact that darkness is part of life?
Aren’t the most lushes of environments the most wild and chaotic ones?
I am now in a completely new space in my body and my mind.
Enough with the questions… I found my answer.
Yes, ‘my’ new lover is with another woman right now.
Yes, it hurts a bit, and in a non-intentional way he causes me to suffer.
I slowly rise.
I think of him, I feel grateful for the storms he generates in me and even more grateful for the way I am able to regenerate after the storms.
I let the storms in, and continue to grow.
"The only way out, is through" … oh sweet Gabrielle Roth.
There are infinite reasons why I live here, on this beautiful sustainable Land, away from the toxicity of our modern day society right now. One of the many reasons is because it allows me to arrive to such states of mind and states of being that modern day society would not allow me to.
Being able to ‘rest and digest’ the information that comes in. Consciously and carefully understand the reason of my actions and choices. What a luxury.
This blog is not about “Go Poly! It’s great expansion” or “Don’t go Poly! It’s a mind fuck!” … It’s about a reflection on this aspect of life and our approach to it. How deep do we want to go in our journey towards liberation? How much do we want to surrender to the fact that we are part of a somatically organic global bio-mimicry?
We are slowly and collectively digging underneath all self, social and earthly contamination, conditioning and restrictions. The globe is re-embracing practices such as ecstatic dancing, permaculture, spiritual ecology, shamanism, community living ... We are starting to collectively reclaiming a more wild and ecstatic relationship with ourselves, with each other, with the Earth and beyond. Sharing or not sharing lovers ... this is all part of the exploration, if we allow it.
I breathe in. Breath out. Stretch my arms, my hips... no rush.
Will this freedom of time slowly gift me with emotional freedom?
Is it possible that I might be tasting the nectar of thought/feeling reaction possibility # 2?
I smile… I know the answer.
I feel light. I feel alive with truth and honesty.
I am now laying down twisting my spine, slowly, with care, there is no rush.
I lie there and bathe in peace and silence. Emptiness.
I watch the lush green of the jungle, I listen to her whispers.
I get up. I feel anew in my body, my mind, and my soul.
I walk down the path back towards the garden house, a beautiful 5 minute walk through an immense variety of plants, trees, birds, insects, fungi and who knows what also...
I continue on with my freedom and accept the fact that storms will come in.
I welcome them.
I am grateful for my choices. I thank the jungle.
And I thank my lover for activating regenerative reflections within myself, for keeping me strong, for keeping my heart and mind alive with both chaos and beautiful balance.
I love you. Be Blessed.